The Buffalo Bills and the Twelve Steps Recovery Program
At some point in the life of an NFL Franchise, there might come the grudging realization that the team is a sad and miserable failure. Once great and proud, now just insignificant and pathetic. Maybe it’s a dwindling, less gullible fan base refusing to shell out for tickets and merchandise. Or a perennial losing record, the team ignored and/or disrespected by both fans and the national media. Perhaps it’s ten years of futility and unwatchable Football, without even a sniff of the playoffs. Each long off-season a tease, a sorry old saggy stripper learning only new and novel ways to lose games. Like a dribbling, stinking drunk sitting in a pool of its own vomit, the Franchise may blearily come to the dawning recognition that it might just possibly have a problem. Oh, if there were only somewhere it could turn for a quick fix. Alas, there are no more easy options. Neither T.O. the Reality Show or Big City is the savior. Fortunately for this not-to-remain-nameless drunkard, Alcoholics Anonymous is there for the Drinking Town with a Football Problem, and a pamphlet with the Twelve Steps to Recovery that might just turn this desperate Franchise around..
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
The team is a failure. A flatulent, unwatchable mess smelling greatly of elderberries. And summer whine. Admitting there is a problem and that there is absolutely nothing that the franchise (that being the collective gestalt of the ownership, management, and coaches) can do to fix it is the First Step on the Road to Recovery.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
With recognition of the problem comes the realization that it is necessary to turn outside the franchise for both absolution, as well as a solution. But where, oh where is the answer, who do we call? Ghostbusters? C’mon, just a movie. And cartoon. And video game. And movie.
So who do we call? The Chin didn’t pick up. The Grin, well, it was just too cold said his wife. Sorrow and desolation. Suddenly, we are now that last fat kid left standingin grade school after all the teams have been picked. Inspiration comes slowly but arrives at last, and as often as not, ol’ time Rock’n Roll has the answer to this as well as many of life’s thorny little conundrums:
Lord what you’re doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can’t get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me some Buddy to love?
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me – some Buddy to love? 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
No more meddling ownership. The Levy broke. No more trusting in a phantom GM or trickle down Jauronimics, that’s just a load of Mularkey. Time for a little bit of practical common sense and homespun, folksy football wisdom. Fact is, this team is in need of a little Southern Comfort. Straight up.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
A ruthless, thorough analysis of every facet of the Franchise, including management, scouting, coaching, and to a limited extent, existing players. Not really as difficult as you’d think, given years of neglect and excuses. Even those few aspects that are good, fact is, are just not good enough. Conclusion: the Franchise is a mess, in need of a good kicking, as well as a slap upside its head. Sort through the rubbish, hold back a few treasures but otherwise it’s time to clear house. And who doesn’t love a good Garage Sale?
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Cheapness and apathy are among the greatest of sins. Settling for what’s easy, rather than just grabbing the Buffalo by its cohones. A willingness to spend on players but without the concomitant cash plunked down for a GM, coaches, and scouts, just plain stupidity. Penny wise, pound foolish, as my dear old Granny used to say when she was sober.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Time to pony up a little cash on Franchise infrastructure. Barring a scientific breakthrough, it’s not actually possible to take it with you. Investing a little money in the team may even prove to be a more lucrative decision than sticking the cash in the bank. Dividends like winning, sellouts, or even a playoff run are still pretty wonderful even if they aren’t tax-deductible. Not to mention a short-term increase in ticket and merchandise revenue, along with a longer term uptick in the overall value of the Franchise.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Getting rid of some Guy is a good first step, along with adding Fewell to the fire. There is still so much work to do, still, in Chix we trust. We are in your hands, please be gentle, and respect us in the morning.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Fortunately, this is as easy as finding a Buffalo telephone book. Apologize to the fans for not only a decade of futility but a mind-numbing, unwatchable product. Sunday is not supposed to be a day for getting chores done around the house. It is not a day for cutting grass, washing the car, or painting. It is not about catching up on the job or school work, either. Sunday is supposed to be about beer, lots of it, time with family, and friends. And Football.
On a lesser, note, bringing back Bruce almighty was a very good and long-overdue move, not only an upgrade but remedying an old injustice.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
At lost last, it is finally the Time to start fixing the Franchise. Oh, a little of that homespun, common sense, radical innovations and novelties as:
a) Hiring a GM, no less, and one with actual Football experience.
b) Building a team suitable for WNY weather.
c) Winning the battles in the trenches.
d) Coaches with experience and a proven resume, rather than just on-the-job training.
e) Overhaul the Strength and Conditioning department. Fire a few people, buy some new equipment, redecorate, remove some TVs. Yeah, a Gamble but what sort of a universe would it be if one-in-a-million chances didn’t happen 100% of the time?
f) End the passive defensive scheme which required your smart and fast small Football players to battle against their smart and fast big Football players all game and not get hurt.
g) Stop drafting for the secondary.
h) Get better Football players, with a focus on speed and play-makers.
i) Don’t keep pound square pegs into round holes. Player development isn’t just coaching, it’s also putting players into a good position to succeed.
j) This will be a multi-year process, there are no nicotine patches or quick fixes.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Mr. Complacency is not your friend. Even with a multi-year time frame, urgency, responsibility, and accountability are of the utmost importance. The more competition, the better. Keep evaluating talent and coaches. Don’t play vets simply because they are vets. Or can tweet a bloody good game. Open competition means exactly that, give the job to those who prepare the most and play the best. But still, keep your mind open and play hard to get, there may well be better options. Don’t be married to any players, there is nothing wrong with playing the field. You are not being unfaithful, remember, you can almost always do better. It may be the a practice squad member, FAs or UDFAs, the draft, roster cut downs, and/or the waiver wire.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Above all, pray for the Bills to become good once again. December games that matter. Oh, perhaps even a deep playoff run, a boy can dream, can’t he?
Keep in mind at all times that the Bills future success depends on You. Flaunt those Zubas, rub that lucky rabbit’s foot. Some sacrifices may need to be made. Chickens, goats, oxen are traditional. Virgins, too, but these are awfully hard to find these days. Even then, though, seems like an awful waste. Perhaps a virginal goat might do in a pinch.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
It might just be time to spread the good news. It’s ok to Billieve once again, the Franchise is on the Rise, the once mighty Beast of the East may yet return. It was my understanding that everyone had heard … Byrd is the Word.
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